spiral down with me

I wish I could tell you how mad at you I am I wish you would call to see if I'm ok I wish I didn't spend my birthdays wondering if you'll remember I wish I could tell you how much you hurt me I wish I could ask you why you left I wish you cared I wish I hadn't done everything to make you proud I wish I hadn't been the only one not dancing at my graduation I wish you were there on the first day of kindergarten or middle school or high school I wish you would've put the effort I wish you hadn't had one foot always out the door I wish I could forgive you I wish you could know what you put me through I wish you weren't so selfish I wish I could be able to trust someone again I wish you weren't the one that fucked me up so bad I wish I didn't hate you as much I wish I wasn't like you I wish I could ask you if you regret it I wish something had gone right after you left I wish I could cry on your shoulder I wish I knew I could ...

It wasn't him that I loved But I wanted to I loved his smile I loved his disregard I loved that he didn't know me I loved how easy it was to know him I loved the possibility I loved the loss I loved continuing something I knew wouldn't last I loved that he reminded me of someone I loved I loved that he didn't hurt me I loved wanting him to return I loved the conflict I loved the clarity I loved the dilemma I loved that he pushed me I loved that he wanted to believe that I could stay I loved wanting to believe that I could stay I loved the regret I loved the person that I became when I was with him I loved how futile his problems were I loved that he loved me I loved the simplicity I loved the chaos In the end I loved everything about him, except for him