Artichoke

 It was difficult to tell you how I really felt

And even after all these years, I think it still is

So I'm sitting and writing it all down

In hopes that if I do, I'll never have to think of you again

You came into my life exactly 3 summers ago

And you made me feel in ways that I thought I never would

I understood why I loved that line from my book so much

Because I finally felt what it means to know that whatever souls are made of, yours and mine are the same

I don't know exactly when or why you started changing

And I have no idea how you convinced yourself that it was me who did

But I do know that I'll never forgive you

I hate to admit it, but you actually somehow managed to break my heart

I hate that when I think about the future, I know that you won't be in it

We'll never get to move and buy a house to build from scratch

And you won't design it, and I won't decorate it

We'll never sleep on the floor and drink wine out of the bottle 

We'll never grow old or move to Paris, or be an old couple that reads the newspaper in the morning

We won't buy a dog, and we won't grab coffee and walk for hours

You won't write me another postcard on my birthday, and I won't give you badly wrapped gifts on yours

You won't kiss my face again, or kiss it even more when I start laughing

You won't hold me when I cry, and I won't tell you that everything is going to be okay when you do

We will never have cooking competitions again, and I will never actually beat you at chess

We won't be doing cross-words on the bed, or smoke together and talk for hours

It'll never be just the two of us at the beach, sitting on the hot sand, or even on the cold sand at night

The lens of my camera will never be directed at you, and I'll never get to hold our cat again

You'll never tell me that I look pretty, or how much you love it when I smile at you

And I'll never tell you that you smell like home to me, or how much I miss you when you're not here

I'll never stand on my toes to hug you, and you'll never wrap me in your arms again

We'll never go to Japan, or rate the food that we eat

We'll never buy a restaurant, or start a jewellery line

We won't be buying and fixing the car I wanted, you know the one from Jurassic Park

We haven't watched a single movie from that list we made 3 summers ago, and we never will

We haven't been on a proper vacation together, no matter how much I wanted to

We'll never get drunk together, and I'll never be by you when you've achieved something

I'll never tell you that your taste in music sucked, and you'll never make a playlist again

I'll never tell you that I'm proud of you, and you'll never tell that to me too

You told me that you were sorry

But you never said for which part exactly

Because for hurting me, making me cry, feel lonely and worthless, I can forgive you

For being condescending, and for pushing me away, I can also forgive you

I'll even forgive you for not loving me how you should have

But for leaving, knowing that our dreams or plans will ever come true, for that I'll never forgive you

You told me that I was the only one and you wanted to see me for one last time

You also said that you were afraid of showing me how you really felt

You wrote that you would try to find me in every person you'll be with

But I was there in front of you, and I always have been

It's really sad to know that you never actually saw me though

You always just saw a version you wanted to see, wether good or bad

And in the end, after everything, what you said was true

I don't believe it when you say you love me anymore

Because I do, and in the end, time after time, I would have always chosen you

And now I'll have to fuck different men

I'll even have to get to know some of them

And I know that one day I'll be married

Though not to you

And someone will have to fix what you've broken

And even when he does, I'll never be quite the same again

As time passes, you'll be a faint memory, kept neatly in a box I've made

I won't remember things about us and I'll sleep in someone's arms, not wishing it was you

The hand I hold won't be yours, and my dimple won't appear because of something you've said

It won't be your green eyes that I look into and the jokes I laugh to won't belong to you

I'll be able to tell him that I love him

And we won't make up a word for it

And I won't be writing these types of poems about him, or putting that word as the title

Because he'll never be able to hurt me the way you have

And I'll never feel the way I have