Internal discussions

It is interesting to see how little we know each other, how we can surprise each other. After everything that has happened I asked myself 'how the hell am I supposed to move on from this'. It's also interesting to see how I haven't moved on from anything, just moved forward. I wanted to believe so desperately that I didn't care about people and used to believe that you should go above and beyond for every single person that is in you life. Maybe that's why when the time came I didn't mind taking all the blame. I let every single person in my life make me believe that there was something wrong with me. That I was fundamentally incomplete and would never be whole. I didn't love enough, care enough, feel enough, trust enough. I believed everything they told me until I realized that you can't force yourself into a persons life unless they want you there. So why is it that all the things they used to love about me be suddenly became my fatal flaws? Why is it that I let them tell me that every quality that makes me the person I am today wrong? You can't make anyone love you, can't manipulate them for that long. No one is that smart. When the time comes and when the person across from you wants to blame you for everything that has gone wrong ,in an attempt to ease their own conscience, don't forget like I have that there's nothing wrong with you. You might have said things and done things that you regret but in the end everything we do, we do out of our own free will. So embrace your flaws for they are a part of you that belongs to no one else. You learn from them. I mean let us assume that they were right. Let's assume that I indeed didn't care for them. That I used them and manipulated them and disposed of them when the time came. apart from the fact that they think someone can be so cruel intentioned, what bothers me is the fact that they blame me for this. Were you stupid enough to let yourself be manipulated all those years or did you let me do this to you. Because if you did, this speaks more to your character than it does to mine. Why is it that I'm blamed for this. Who is to say that your values and characteristics aren't at fault? Why is it that you so easily believe that everything we've been through and talked about was just a fragment of my facade? Why are you so easily convinced that a girl that can't even remember what she had for breakfast is capable of such malice? and if it so, why isn't your ability to distinguish good people from bad under review? why isn't it you that is under judgement? Does it please you to believe that all the fault can be on one party? Tell me, is it worth lying to yourself and others constantly? Does it satisfy your desire of being the victim? Are you finally happy? It took me such a long time to realize that you can't really please everybody. You try to explain everything and they only take a piece of what you just said and twist it to match what they want to believe. So don't justify yourself. Don't apologize. Because after a certain number of apologies you forget about the people that come into your life and accept you for who you are. That love you, understand you and fight for you. Because anything less than that isn't worth wasting the very limited and precious time that has been given to us. Be you. Accept you. Not just the good parts of you but the ugly, bad habits of you too. Because like it or not you're the whole package and everything that you have been through has made you become the person you are today. You should be proud of that person. Accept your mistakes, acknowledge them and try to do better next time. But don't let anyone tell you that you weren't good enough. Because we are, all of us are. We just need to find the right kind of people who know that.