Hate

I fucking hate you

yes, you, you who knows exactly who you are, to the point where I don't even need to address you by name

I hope you fucking die, I hope you just disappear off the face of the earth, so that I never have to see your stupid face again

I hate hearing your name, seeing your picture, and especially remembering anything about you

I hate you

I have so much hate in my heart, that I don't know where to put it

I want to stuff it in a box, along with all your stuff, and forget you ever existed

I want to rip my heart out because it aches so much

I want you to go to the end of a cliff, and just fucking jump, hell, I'll even be the one to push you off if you need help

I hate the fact that I loved you, that I loved you so much to the point where I excused all of your bullshit, and that it was enough to ignore every stupid thing you ever said, or did

I loved you so much that being broken up with you made me disassociate so bad that I didn't even realize that my mom had cancer

I hate that I needed you so much that I was ok with the fact that you had other plans

That I was the first person you'd abandon every single fucking time

But for me there was never a choice if it didn't include you

I wanted to believe that you could change so bad that I left someone that was actually good for me without a second taught

and I hate that I never regretted it, not even once, not even when you were being an absolute dick

I hate that they shaved my mom's head in front of me without you

I hate that I later found out that my dad wasn't even my real dad without you

I hate that you think your life is hard, and that you have the luxury to complain about it 

I hate how fucking self absorbed you are, and that you never saw me as more than an accessory, or a comfort

I hate that you kept on telling me that you loved me

I fucking absolutely, completely, undeniably hate that you told me that you love me, and that you've never loved anyone more than me

When all you did was to ignore everything, not communicate and put in the least amount of effort you could muster up, just to make pathetic excuses

I hate that time that you didn't walk me back home, the time that you made my birthday party about you, never felt like you supported me (or even listened honestly)

or what about that time that you told me you were moving for two years, and when I got worried, you said my reaction made you distant after months of asking

but what I hate the most, out of a long list of things that I hate about you, is that I would have been fine with it

whatever my capacity for love may be, I want you to know that I went beyond it for you

I have never, ever loved anyone as much as you

That's why I hate you so much

Because do you want to know what the worst thing out of all is?

It's that I would have said yes

I would have married you, if you had asked

It would have taken me by surprise, and to be honest I've never pictured myself as being someone's wife

well since we're on the topic, I don't think I would have made a pretty good mother either

but I would have done it, I probably would have said yes

knowing everything that is, I would know that you would make my life hell

and that I would horrible anxiety attacks, would blame myself each time you manipulated me, made myself believe that that behavior was normal, would have tolerated it even

I'd try to find new ways to communicate each time, since I guess straight up asking doesn't seem to work well with you like it would on a normal person

and I hate myself for it, I hate that if given the choice, I would let you make my life absolutely fucking miserable, without a doubt

and I would have had your babies, or not if we ended up not wanting any

I would have gone wherever you wanted to go

I would have ignored everyone around me, including my gut feeling, just for you

and the funny thing is I wouldn't have said that I was even capable of love before meeting you

What I don't understand is why

Why do I love you as much as I do

I mean just between us, you're nothing spectacular to look at

You have a weird chin, and a chubby round face

You're not a good person, and you're not even funny half the time you try to be

You were a shit boyfriend, an even worse friend and a sad excuse for a human being honestly

I know all these things to be true

But I do. I love you. I don't know why, but I think I always have

and so I would have left my career, moved to a different country, been poor with you, accept any ring that you had to offer. I would have even had your stupid fat babies if you wanted me to.

That's why I broke up with you, why I left

I left you because I realized that no matter how many times you told me you loved me more than anyone in the world, it would never come close to the love I had for you

I left because I realized that your love for me would always have "if" attached to it

I would never be your priority, like you've been mine

How my day went would never matter if yours was bad

No birthdays would be important if you weren't in the mood, or if I didn't want to iron your stupid shirts

The fact that someone else had loved me, and had been with me would matter to you always, even if you had done the exact same thing

I would have forgiven you for treating me like shit, but you would never have

Wether or not our relationship was going good would never be something that kept you up at night, or gave you panic attacks

My only parent having a possibly terminal illness would mean nothing to you if you were mad at me

You would never move for me

And you would never be there for me, you wouldn't even try to hide it

I would have wrecked my entire life for you, you know?

if you had asked, I mean

I know you'll never believe me, but I would

I really loved you and I hate that for me

So fuck you